Maxim Fridental

Fukushima topic has lost its headline position in the news, but the situation there is far from being stable.

TEPCO was injecting water into reactors, because otherwise they would supposedly get hot and start contaminate air even more due to the smoke. And because the reactors are believed to have holes, the water didn’t run back through the pipes, but went somewhere in the basements of the building. Because the water was in a direct contact with the damaged fuel, it was highly radioactive: stay for 3-12 hours around it, and you’re dead.

Now, basements are not normally designed to be hermetical containers of water, especially of a highly radioactive water. So no wonder TEPCO had annouced a leak or two every now and then. The latest announcement has been made today, they’re just missing another 57 tons of water and have to clue where it went. So far, TEPCO has managed to keep the world quiet by displaying heroic measures to patch the leaks.

Buuuut, basements have another problem. They are not of unlimited size. Every day, around 500 tons of water is being added, and 0 tons water is being removed. Obviously, they need to drain basements, pump the water through some purifying device, and then perhaps use it again for cooling.

They timeline was as follows. They have calculated the time when basements will run full and the water starts spilling. And this is any time starting from right now. Last Friday, they have finished the installation of purifiers and made a first run, with not very good results. I do hope they will manage to fix it, but it is a damn tight deadline they have.

In case they fail, the consequences will NOT be immediately endangering, at least as far as I understand it. The water is still dangerous, but it will most probably go to the ocean, where it will be diluted down to normal levels. May be I’m wrong, but the only big problem of a leakage would be the huge impact on the whole asian sea food industry. Fishes and algae are known for concentrating radioactivity, and fishes can swim around and reach Russia, Korea or China borders. In case of a big leakage, people will (and should) stop eating asian sea food, similar as it happened with mushrooms in Europe after the Chernobyl. After decade of two, a whole generation will grow who don’t like sea food, don’t know names of fishes, etc. Only river and lake fishes will be used. Well, similar as in Germany they can’t tell boletus from birch boletus, believe milk mushrooms are poisonous, and only know champignons and mu-er…

I’ve stumbled upon this saying by Sergey Dovlatov, one of the best soviet writers:

The opposite of love is not disgust or even indifference. The opposite of
love is lie.

This has made me think trying to understand how did he mean it. But then, I’ve remembered the Bible, where we read:

Let no debt remain outstanding, except the continuing debt to love one another, for he who loves his fellowman has fulfilled the law.

The commandments, “Do not commit adultery,” “Do not murder,” “Do not steal,” “Do not covet,” and whatever other commandment there may be, are summed up in this one rule: “Love your neighbor as yourself.”

Love does no harm to its neighbor. Therefore love is the fulfillment of the law.
(Romans 13: Love, for the Day is Near)

And this has suddenly made sense to the Dovlatov’s saying. Loving has something to do with treating others as good as yourself. In case you’ve already meet The Love of Your Life, you’ll treat her/him even better than yourself. On the other hand, lying is the opposite – it is obtaining something from others, and not planning to give an equivalent back.

Well, technically, when you say to a patient who is about to die tomorrow that he will surely heal, it is lying. But, yet again, having a sexual intercourse is also called making love. To me, these are just examples of how imperfect natural languages are at defining terms…

I prefer to use LOVE in its christian sense as another word for God, and to use LIE as another word for rip-off or scam. Having that, both sayings have now perfect sense to me.

Sometimes people you love would lie to you. This shouldn’t happen at all, but it happens, and is even so normal that people have words for that, like betrayal. It has also happened to me in my past life. Unfortunately, I’m not a Christian enough to still love the liars, and I’m even struggling to forgive them…

And sometimes, people you love just cannot love you back. Now this is what should be normal, because everybody’s different. But it is strange that I can’t find a neutral word for that. Unrequired love, ungrateful, thankless – all these sound negative and reproaching. May be because it hurts… But what word would you use if  you’re hurt, but still don’t want to sound negative, because you’re still loving and caring?..

There is a direct road between Fürth where I live and Erlangen. The road has a comfortable walkway alongside, with great sights and tons of fresh air, as well as a bike way. You need just a couple of hours to walk or 40 minutes to bike from city center to city center. In the last ten years, I’ve used this road quite a few times, recently even weekly.

In a small area of no man’s land, where Fürth has already ended and Erlangen not yet started, there is a small meadow. On the roadside, two crosses from a simple wood are staying. The one is somewhat larger, another one is very small, in the baby size. The crosses are decorated with artificial flowers and there are two names on them.

During the last ten years I’ve been using this road, I’ve seen quite a lot of changes around those crosses. Old flowers was removed, new flowers was added, a toy windmill was attached, any random garbage was removed, and the surrounding grass was cultivated.

I don’t know whether it is a mother who has lost her children, or a husband who has lost his wife and a child, or may be it is a completely different situation. Fact is, he or she or they are clearly missing their loved ones, and are living like this for at least ten years, may be longer.

I can’t imagine how it is.

Soon it will be two years I’m missing someone. Yes, only two years, but I’m already almost destroyed. I’ve gained weight, and in my room there are some things staying, which I wanted to throw away two years ago, but have never had any motivation or reason to do that since. I’ve started with the Denial stage according to the Kübler-Ross model, which partially lasts until today. I’ve skipped the Anger phase though, only to land directly in the Bargaining. This has lasted for several months, although I wasn’t too creative in thinking of deals with the fate. And then Depression came in, and the real hell begun.

But ten years, or even more! Those people should be completely crazy by now, whoever they are! Either that, or they have found a way to live with it, a way outside of the algorithm defined by Kübler-Ross. According to the model, the grieving must end with acceptance. But they haven’t accepted the death. You just can’t accept the death of the people you love. The on-going care around the crosses is a proof that the names on the crosses are not just combinations of letters, they continue living, even though only in memory.

Apparently, they have found the way to stop grieving, without having to accept the death. And if they could do it, I can do it too. I have it easier. We knew each other for not so long, and the person is not dead by any means, but rather the opposite: happy, successful, and preparing to give birth.

Of course, there is no other way than to part with some my dreams and wishes and to accept that this wonderful life I have imagined for myself will never happen. But, besides of that, there are still the warm feelings, and the uncontrollable smile looking at her pictures, and the admiration, and the deep respect, and gratitude for waking me up, and worries about her and her child, and the readiness to take next possible flight to her if my help is needed… What if it is possible to put all that feelings and longing to a winter sleep? And then to wake them up, when we meet again.

This is the task I’m going to work on.

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