Maxim Fridental

I’ve recently been in a church – for the first time in my life not as a tourist.

It was build around 900 years ago, and looks really like this from outside. At first, I was confused, which one of the many doors to use and if I am, as a non-christ, supposed to enter the church at all. There was no mass. All doors seemed to be closed, so I’ve tried to open just any door. It opened surprisingly easy, so I’ve entered.

As it turned to be a protestant church, it was pretty simple inside. Just benches, a crucifix and a candle. And silence, unbelievable and deep silence. There was nobody inside I could see. I sat onto a bench in the 3-rd line, and didn’t know what to do next.

My grand-grandmother was a daughter of a russian orthodox priest, and my grandmother was a christ, and my mother is too, and even my little sister has been baptized. Only me is an exception, I don’t know why. My grandmother has baptized me herself, “inofficially”, at home, and she was always very concerned about it. I suppose, they didn’t want to disturb my potentially bright atheistic-communistic future in the USSR.

Then later, in the basic school, when I was probably 8 or 9 years old, we had just a normal lesson, writing or math, something like this. Suddenly, the door opened and one of the school directors came in. She asked, “Does anybody know what God is?”. Because she did that with her strong Ukrainian accent, and we were all children from the deepest Russian province, nobody could understand her. So she took a chalk and wrote ??? on the blackboard. One or two pupils raised their hands.

My father, a Jew, has always told me, “Average performance leads to average grades, but you’re a Jew, and in this country, you have to have an excellent performance to achieve average grades”. I happened to know what a God is (I could even name a few), so I’ve raised my hand too.

She went to each of us, silently and slowly, and distributed an empty piece of paper. Then, she returned to the blackboard, and commanded: “Write down everything you know about God!”.

Meanwhile, my class teacher walked through the class room, as if she wanted to ensure order and silence, even though there was a silence like on a cemetery. When passing me, she has bent down and whispered: “Is there God?”, looking concerned on to me, as if I had dilusions. I knew the official answer I supposed to give on this question, so I’ve answered, “There is no God!”. – “So what are you going to write?”, HINTED she, looking into my eyes to confirm my understanding; and then she walked away.

Not that she was a fanatical atheist, but she was responsible for 100% atheistic coverage in the class.

So I took my pencil and wrote with my childish handwriting these two words: ???? ???. “There is no God”.

I still remember every little detail. I will never forget it, and I will never forgive myself for doing this.

Thus, when I was sitting on a bench in the 3-rd line, in an empty church, for the first time in my life, I didn’t really know what to do. I’ve only knew that I didn’t want to appear annoying or selfish to Him.

So I’ve just started thinking about things concerning me, carefully avoiding to ask for something. Suddently, a strange idea has come into my mind. It was something like  “Kid, consider doing this and that. Wouldn’t it be sooo beautiful?“.

It was a fully unexpected point of view. I mean, I’ve already had this solution as a possible option, but I haven’t thought about its beautifulness.

But it IS beatiful.

And therefore, it IS the right thing to do.

And even though it is also unbelievable painful… I’m doing it, yes, I’m doing it.

Today, 19 years ago, Viktor Tsoi died in a car accident. He was one of the leading USSR rockers of 80ies.

I was a teenager at that time and he was my idol. I used to come back from the school, lie down to the bed and start hearing his songs. Most of the days in the week. It wouldn’t be an exaggeration to say that his lyrics has conciderably influenced my beliefs and philisophy of life.

I also suppose that he and his band named Kino has played a visible role in that what happened to USSR and Russia afterwards. His most popular song “Changes!” was seen by many as a demand of political changes, while reviewing its lyrics today I must accept it is definitely about personal, spiritual changes. You’ll find it below; but first I want to show you my favorite song of Tsoi, and this is The Legend (lyrics below)

Continue reading “Viktor Tsoi”

In the University where I’ve studied, there is a student theatre called Mannequin. Several years ago, they played a performance based on the short story of Henri Barbusse named Tenderness. I like the original story; so I want to share it with you. It is tiny but emotionally intense, dark but romantic, not really realistic, but with a very concentrated meaning – all the features of a great story to me (you should be careful though not to attach to it too much, if you’re emotional kind of person).

Unfortunately, I haven’t found an official translation, so I’ve used Babelfish and edited it afterwards.

Continue reading “Tenderness”

Recently, I’ve watched the “Stalker” again, the 1979 cult movie of the cult Russian director Tarkovsky. The screenplay has been written by the most influential russian science fiction authors Boris and Arkady Strugatsky, based on their “Roadside Picnic”.

In the movie, there is the Zone, an area full of strange and dangerous natural effects that cannot be explained by modern human science. It has suddenly appeared in some european country, and nobody knows the reason. Rumors are that there is something inside the Zone that can grant any wish. Police forces prohibit access to the Zone, probably for public safety reasons, which of course makes the rumors only stronger.

There are two persons who want to enter the Zone and find this place. They hire a guide who is said to be knowledgeable about of Zone and has been there several times. In the movie, they call such guides stalkers.

The modern, most common meaning of this word (i.e. a person breaking the privacy and intimidating a celebrity or another person) was unknown to me until I’ve emigrated to Germany. There is no native word for “stalker” (and neither for “stalking”) in Russian, so the English words are used nowadays. 

But back in 1979, when Strugatskys have used this word for their character, stalking as a phenomenon was unknown in the USSR.  I think, Strugatskys have used it not only because of its then-meaning (something like hooligan, outlaw), but also because of its cool sci-fi-ish sounds (Blaster, Laser, Stalker, Trooper, …). So until today, stalker has a second meaning in the ex-USSR area, for persons, who risk their lives entering to dangerous and mystic Zones.

Modern stalkers have a psychological disorder, erotomania, which makes them to believe their focus person shows signs of love to them, while in reality the person’s behaviour is a normal friendly one. When they approach the person and obtain the negative response, it conflicts with their inner beliefs. So they conceive a theory allowing to explain why their focus person must hide her love to the stalker. They continue approaching the person, trying to liberate the “love”, but in effect can only harass her.

Ironically, the Stalker in the movie has the very same problem. It is only his belief, his personal delusion, that a particular room in the Zone can grant wishes. It is he who is the source of all rumors about the Zone. When asked, he cannot point to any person whose wishes where ever granted. He explains that the wishes was never granted, because they weren’t really deep and true ones. But the two persons who he has safely guided though the dangerous Zone to the room do not believe him and leave the Zone, without even trying to wish anything.

What a sad final of a great movie.